Looking at Spam
by jkkitty1
Summary: A group of short stories or drabbles that shows how Napoleon, Illya, and the rest of UNCLE deal with all the spam they received from either the mail or email.
1. Schick

Napoleon was drinking coffee in the kitchen waiting for Illya when he heard a mirror smash and Russian swearing.

Rushing to the bathroom, Napoleon couldn't keep a smile from his face. Before him was the shaving creamed face of Illya, a shattered mirror and a Schick Razor sticking out of the hole where the mirror was.

"What happened?"

"American products. They advertise a clean shave instead I get cuts from that thing." Illya grumbled pointing to the embedded razor.

The comic look of anger on the lathered Russian's face caused Napoleon to laugh and the Illya to glare.


	2. Car of my Dreams

"Napoleon are you looking at those car brochures again? Every time you do, you get depressed and complain about how difficult it would be to own, drive and store a car in New York City. Then in the next breath you whine about how much you want one."

"But this one is advertising the Car of my dreams. It red, convertible, and sleek. How can I pass it up?"

"Let me help you. Did you borrow money from me last week for a dinner date?"

"Yes, Doris said yes finally."

"And the week before was it not for a Broadway show?"

"Well Susie was dying to see it."

"And the week before that for a weekend away?"

"Brenda schedule and mine finally matched."

"Do I need to go on?"

"I don't get what your driving at."

"My friend. I do not have the money to loan you for a car loan and maintenance."

"Maybe I could come up with a way to get Mr. Waverly to spring for a new car or two for the motor pool."

Illya just went back to his files while rolling his eyes. Napoleon placed his feet on his desk, leaned back, closed his eyes and try to come up with a plan.


	3. Roses

"What are you doing Napoleon?" Illya asked his partner who had a pencil in his mouth while leaning back in the chair thinking.

"Making a list."

"What is on this list that so important that you are not working on those files.?"

Napoleon held up a piece of junk mail that offered a dozen roses for only $5.99.

"Need to decided how many of these I need to order to ensure dates for the next month." He explained before adding a new name on the list.

Shaking his head, Illya asked "You are not serious, are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"The ad says for your special someone. You are making a list."

"They're all special."

"If you say so. Do the women agree?"

The door to the office slid open admitting an angry secretary who slammed a box of chocolate on Napoleon's desk.

"I don't appreciate the fact that Sarah and Michelle received the same thank you gift. You said I was special. You can forget about our date next week." The secretary yelled as she stormed out of the office.

Hearing a smirk, Napoleon rounded on his partner.

"Say one thing and you'll be on night duty for the next month."

"Not saying a word," Illya replied smiling as he went back to his files.


	4. Get it Free

Napoleon went to check on his injured partner who was supposed to stay in bed after their last assignment.

"Illya do I want to even know what all this stuff is that I got out of the your mailbox?" He yelled into the other room as he entered the apartment. Napoleon dumped a group of samples on the kitchen table where they joined other items that were similar.

"This," Napoleon pointed to the pile of items in front of him.

"I answered an ad for getting samples free." Illya explained. "It only took me an hour to fill out the surveys and now I get all these things."

"But look at all the junk mail you're getting." Napoleon held up a pile of ads for other items.

"What does that have to do with my free samples?"

"It a way to get people to buy things they don't need. Give them small sample of something they want to try, and then once they have their address slam them with junk mail."

"And your government knows about this?"

"It's called freedom of speech my friend."

"Sometimes, Napoleon I truly wonder about some of your freedoms."

"So do I partner. So do I." Napoleon said dumping the junk in the can.


End file.
